are you still at the devil's house?
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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