in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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