why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
