So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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