i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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