i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You dont lie about slip and slides
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
