Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
