I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Randomize
