Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
