so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
