She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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