When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Randomize
