i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
