Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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