Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
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