If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
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