you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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