do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
