I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
