y did u give ur computer a hand job?
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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