I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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