i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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