I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
