She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
