I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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