I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
