What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
