he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
