Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
