Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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