Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
