I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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