The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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