I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
