did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
