you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Randomize
