I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
