im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Randomize
