then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
