not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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