Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
