"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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