So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
