Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
