I should be sponsored by Trojan
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
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