Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
