I have demons in me.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
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