He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
