my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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