i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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