so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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