wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Is Oprah even human
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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