i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
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