You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
