What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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