I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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