real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
These tits shall not be calmed
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
