i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
