I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
