You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
