Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
