I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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