I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
